I don’t really want to go back. I don’t want to go home and become an engineer and get married when I’m 25 and be stuck in the same place forever. I don’t care how comfortable it is. I really don’t know how to get out of it – except to do something completely drastic. I won’t say I don’t have any ideas, but I don’t think I’m that brave. It would really be so much easier to go back and do this. I’d pretty much have an assured future.
I wonder if maybe I don’t want a home.

When I was younger I would try to make up a 26-word story using all the letters in the alphabet in succession – like so: “A Boy Came Day ‘Efter Friday…” That in fact was as far as I got, and those were the exact words I used then. I am now trying very hard to do that completely, so here goes…
“A Boy Came Day ‘Efter Friday, “Getting Hot In July, Kid?” Lester Meant Not…
I give up. Temporarily. But I must say that this is very nearly hopeless.

I just remembered – when I was young and always moving (or at least it felt like it) my dad would let me ride in the U-Haul and we would eat Corn Nuts. He loves those, or did then. For some reason that made me sad. We would also sing weird songs. Makes me wish I was little again.

$36,000.

Do I pay it or not?

Uggh. Life is so frickin’ weird. And my parents want me to come home. In two weeks. They say it’s too expensive and it’s not fair to them to not help out with college. Yeah, I got a huge scholarship, but there’s still a lot left. But seriously, is the money I spend now really much in comparison to the money they have to shell out for college? Which, BTW, I will be helping with. I really don’t care how hard it is to work and study at the same time. And the thing is, this college doesn’t let you live anywhere but the dorm or at home for the first two years. I was just gonna get an apartment and claim residency at my house, but they said no, they won’t lie to the school. But that’s bullshit – they’ve lied to the school before. I really don’t care if they see this. I am so sick of being guilt-tripped. Do they really think that they’re making me want to come back? Because I swear, I will not stay at that house any more than I have to. I’ll study at the school, I’ll sleep at my friend’s house, I’ll be gone whenever I can. Every time I talk to them they bug me about something else. Sometimes it’s old stuff, sometimes it’s something new. And if they kick me out for doing all that stuff, so be it. I’ll figure it out. I really don’t care. For goodness sakes, LET GO. I’m old enough to handle myself. I’M FUCKING SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My home doesn’t even feel like it’s in _______ anymore. Not that it’s here with my brother, either. (No offense, Sean) I have no idea where it is – maybe I don’t even have one. Maybe I never will. I really don’t care. But I need to move. Not move as in change residences (although I kind of need to do that too) but move as in get my butt moving and… uggh. I can’t even describe it. I’m sure my dad is so disappointed. I still don’t know what I want to do. Where I come from that’s forbidden. I hate this though. I’m a big girl. I swear, I want to just leave the country sometimes. Just go to a different country for a while. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay in one place for more than a month. Everything’s pressing down all at once and I’m feeling claustrophobic.

I don’t think this is good. It’s 5:30 in the morning, and I haven’t slept all night. Is that really a big deal? Naah, except for the fact that in a few hours, I’m going to drive home for the weekend. But tomorrow I’m going to see Kevin, and, in theory, all the rest. Except for Leah, of course, who’s also gone this summer. BUT THE POINT IS THAT I AM FREAKING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But FIREWORKS TONIGHT!!!!! And Sean is coming with me and he finally gets to meet Kevin. I have decIded that I am GOING to talk as IF I’m BOUNcing UP and DOWN!!!!!!! It’s KIND of fun IF you know WHAT I mean…
Alright, that’s enough of that. I need to go shake a tower. That’s what Sean says every time he needs to take a shower. It’s silly. Very silly. SEAN, YOU ARE A SILLY PERSON!!!! And stop asking if I’m saying bad things about you!!! You should know that I only think those things in private. I am now typing with my eyes vlosed. Hey, that didn’t turn out so bad. Now my eyes feel weird. I’m listening to Snow Patrol. Isn’t really my kind of music but I like it anyway. Sean’s trying to pretend he’s not reading this, so I’ll finish this later.