Well, the tournament was good. I sucked in patterns and breaking – never even got to use my hands for breaking – but I’m on such a high from the sparring portion that I don’t even care. I got first in sparring, and damn it, I earned it this time. I beat a 2nd Dan for it. One of the 5th Dans said – and I quote – “I see you winning at national level.” Also, I got two minus points for excessive contact. No one else got more than one. Dammit, I shouldn’t be so proud of that. But I think I did well.

Kinda like my life. If nothing else, I’m rarely bored. No, I don’t mean it’s full of drama. Not anymore at least, thank goodness. That was just a mess. Nope, now I’m getting back in shape, getting ready for school, and… I’m seeing someone. I shall refer to him on here – assuming I ever refer to him at all – as the One Whom I Am Seeing. Or Xavier. Yes, he looks and acts like a Xavier. Whatever it is that Xaviers act like. Plus I always liked the name. Aiie, I’m starved.
Kevin, you were right – cats are the devil’s spawn. I say this right after chasing the worst of them out of the laundry basket. I’m sure that tomorrow, I’ll think about them and say, oh, they’re not that bad; soft, furry, purry, sweet, etc. Waaaaiiit… no, tomorrow, I’ll be too busy to think about cats. I’m gonna see Sean AND there’s a tournament!!! My hand is pretty much all better. I wish I could describe how much I love competition. There’s nothing like it. Grrr, I need to go switch out the laundry.
So pumped for tomorrow though… don’t know why. I think maybe I’m ready for this one.

SOOOO… two delightfully distasteful tasks awaiting my attention. I can finish my calculus homework, or I can email my computer science teacher to say that I’m dropping the class. I feel like I’m wimping out. I feel like that’s all I do anymore. I skip TKD because I’m doing homework, when I could probably go AND still get all my homework done if I stayed up a little longer.
Everyone’s telling me I should drop the class. And I know, I’m taking plenty of credits already, and I can’t really risk screwing up my GPA. But still. I’m not really liking this. And I know whichever I choose I’m going to regret it. So now all I have to decide is if I want to keep my pride or my GPA. If I weren’t a genius, I would say that I hate myself right about now. As it stands, I hate the fact that I can’t stick with what I start.

I’m pretty happy right now.
So am I.
I concur. Today is a day of exuberance and joyfulness.
In fact, I think this weekend has been rather excellent.
As perfect as it gets.
No, not quite.
Damn close.
This is true.
Damn true.
Why do you keep swearing???
Ask Bridget. That damn girl is always doing something weird.
Bridget?
It’s part of his character.
I see. I keep forgetting that I is male. Why is he, anyway?
Felt like making him that way. Me, Myself, and I. I am Me, you are Myself. We’re both female. I figured we needed a guy to keep things interesting. So I is male.
Pretty damn happy about it too.
Bridget! Stop making I swear. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
I am ashamed of Myself. *giggles*

I was just upstairs getting grapes and for some reason I randomly remembered a day, ages ago, when I told my TKD teacher that something was my fault. I had been doing kicks with another guy (the guy that I liked at the time, as a matter of fact) and wasn’t paying attention, and when he kicked me I flew against the wall. It didn’t hurt, but the teacher got mad at him for losing control. Anyway, a couple of nights later I was sitting along the sidelines, waiting for the adult class to get out, and the teacher came over there to get a water bottle, and I told him that the incident was mostly my fault. I figured he would be mad or something for not telling him sooner, but he was totally cool about; just said it was no problem and told me not to worry about it. I could have laughed, I was so relieved.
So, just looking at my online literature class – it seems someone doesn’t know how to spell “vulnerable”. Not trying to be critical, but spelling and grammar errors really bug me. And the worst part is, they’re all over the place.
But honestly, I couldn’t care less right now. Life is kinda beautiful.

Okay, frankly, I feel horrible right now. I hate this. If you were to ask me what this is, I wouldn’t be able to give you a straight answer. Fortunately, you didn’t ask me, and hopefully I’ll be able to hash this out on my own. First though, I’m going to ignore the subject. I do that in real life; I might as well do it on here.
I really don’t like my math class all that much. Why? It’s easy. But way too time-consuming.
I painted my nails five different colors of sunset and my mom said I was schizophrenic. Not that I mind.
I’m listening to the Top Gun soundtrack right now.
Okay, I’ll stop ignoring the subject, once I tell you that I’m okay. Believe me? Good.
BTW, there is only one lie that I’ve told over and over again. And it’s the only one I’ll probably never stop telling. I bet the world would fall apart if I stopped telling it. Sorry, that was random.

Anyway. Okay, so I’m tired of homework. That’s definitely part of it.
Jordan is also part of it. I don’t understand the way she thinks anymore. Granted, I didn’t always, not very well, but certainly not now. I’m beginning to think I never knew her. For someone who used to be my best friend, that’s a little strange. That part’s definitely bugging me.
Also, I’ve been grouchy all day. Just little things. And the fact that I’ve been grouchy all day makes me grouchy now. Just the thought of it. And instead of fixing it, I’m being grouchier because of it.
Kevin wanted me to go to a concert with him in February. I don’t think I’ll be going. And even though I don’t really care much about concerts, I’m grumpy about that because I feel like being grumpy.
I’m grumpy because I deactivated my Facebook, I’m grumpy because dinner’s over, and I’m grumpy because I don’t feel like listening to music and I am anyway.
I’m grumpy because I haven’t gone to all the places I want to. In fact, I’ve only gone to a few. I wish there was TKD tonight. That always makes me feel better. TKD’s cool that way.
I think I’m grumpy because I’m bored.

I PASSED!!!

You wanna know something? I wish I could test again. Not because I don’t think I did well enough. I could have done better, but that’s not why I want to do it again. It was fun! I was nervous as hell; my hands were sweating so much that they slipped in a hold I was doing, and the back of my neck was dripping. I was wondering the whole time if I’d screwed up; if I’d completely failed my teachers; if anyone was going to be proud of me when it was all over.
And now it’s over, and I want to do it again. I must have a weird love for stress and pain.
Not only did Kevin come, but he brought Matt and Dylan too. I was so shocked when I saw all three of them walk in. I could have hugged them all.
I had to break a tile, and it was so incredibly easy! I have pieces of tile embedded in my fingers now. Coolest souvenir ever.
Anyway, the whole day was just incredible, and I want to do it over.

–
I wish I were fearless. Fearless and courageous are two different things. Courageous is doing something even if you’re scared. Fearless is not being scared in the first place. Courageous? I hope so. Fearless? Not a chance. Being fearless would make everything a lot simpler. It might be unhappier in the end though, because you wouldn’t be scared of making mistakes. Of course, if you do just as many things while being courageous then you’re still screwed. You’re just tougher. As far as being respected, I’d rather be courageous. But I’m not sure I’m always that. Gaah, why am I thinking so much about things that don’t matter??? I’ll never be fearless. I don’t think anyone ever has been. And if they have, they were just stupid. Maybe I wouldn’t rather be fearless. But if I’m not fearless, I better make up for it somehow.
For example, at my black belt test. It’s in 5 days, 12 hours, and 11 minutes. Hey, they count down like that until Christmas, right? Anyway, I’m going to do well. I have to. I’m scared to death, and that’s exactly why I have to do it. Of course, I’m more scared of backing out. Pride and all that. But really, why do I always take the hard way out? Or the hard way in? Because I do both, you know. I think. And the worst part is, I think I’m proud of it. Like I’m proud of my stubbornness, or of my pride. AGGH! If I were Catholic, I’d be saying about a hundred “Hail Mary”s right now, and probably fasting for a week. I think Pride is one of their seven deadly sins. I don’t remember what all of them are: Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Pride, Wrath, Envy, and Greed. Let me see, how many am I guilty of? Not gluttony. Not sloth, I don’t think. Not really greed. Wrath? Hell yes. Envy? Even more so than wrath. Lust? How do you even define lust? Eh, I don’t know, but by my definition, no. And I believe I mentioned pride. Not vanity though. I don’t think I’m vain. I don’t know. I don’t know what I am.
Rather happy right now, despite the potential Hail Mary’s I would get should I become Catholic (which I won’t).
I should go finish up my math. Today is such a light week for homework. It’s so cool. I love it.
All the same, my black belt test is making me nervous. Everyone says I’ll do well. Even the teacher says he’s not worried about me. But still, I’m not sure. I’m not ready to get my black belt, I’m not ready to go to college, I’m not ready for anything. What am I doing where I am? Is anybody ever ready for this kind of thing? Or is it just me?
I like Hamlet. The movie, anyway. The one with Mel Gibson. (He’s a good actor) I haven’t read the book yet. I should. When I have time. Ha, like I don’t have time now. But I don’t have the book right now.
Saturday at the black belt workout, my assistant teacher said he felt sorry for the first college guy who tried to make a move on me, or something like that. That was funny. He’s an awesome guy. I’m glad he’ll be at my test.
Actually, if you think about it, I have “ideal conditions” for my test. It’s in my own do-jang. (That’s rare.) My best friend is going to be there, my family is going to be there, my teachers are both going to be there, and I might be ready. Can I reasonably ask for anything more? I don’t think so. Although if I had a little more time that would be nice.
Last night, I dreamed about a totally badass thunderstorm, and there were like four lightning streaks that hit all at once right next to my window, and I sat down on the floor and asked myself if I was alive. I wasn’t sure. You could see the wind blowing the clouds into all these ominous shapes, like mammatus (ever seen mammatus? It’s awesome.) Anyway, I wish I could see a storm like that, even though it was kind of scary. I wish that could be called a kind of fearless.
I really wish I could get into Middle-earth right now. Think about it. It would be so cool. I’d like to be a human, like I am now. Humans were the bravest, even if they weren’t the smartest. You know, I think every person thinks the type of person they are is the best kind to be. I think maybe they’re all a little proud of themselves, in a way. That might seem insensitive to say, especially to a person who hates themselves. But they wouldn’t keep hating themselves if they didn’t think it was the best thing to do. Otherwise they would change it, wouldn’t they? Really, in the end, everyone does what they think is best, even if it’s only best for themselves.
I hope I’m not doing only that. I hope I’m a good person. I hope I’m not screwing everything up. I hope for too many things.
Anyway, back to my other thought about Middle-earth. That last thought was getting to be depressing. I’d like to live like Aragorn. I’d like to die like Boromir. I don’t want to die soon, mind you. But if I have to die, I want to die bravely. He died braver than anyone else. I want to die fighting. It’s an odd thing I’ve got. I can’t help it.
I’m not quite satisfied with this. I need something different. I need adventure on an epic scale. I suppose you could call this madness, of a sort. Mad for adventure. Mad for love. Mad for comfort, and at the same time, mad for change, craziness, war. Mad for wildness. Just mad, maybe. I feel like I could take down a whole army right now.
Writing stories about other people isn’t good enough. I need to live a story. If I could write a story of my life the way I wish it was, I would already be fighting, fearless, saving the world.
There’s one problem. Being in love and wanting whatever it is that I want – if you can find a name for what I want, I need it – don’t go together. And I am one, and I want the other. And I can’t have both, because nothing like that ever lasts. There’s no middle ground, and I wouldn’t want it if I could have it. Everything about me is impossible. I need to do one impossible thing. Just one. I need both of those. If I do one impossible thing, can’t I do another? The need for two things at once is driving me crazy. I can’t straighten myself out. Tell me I’m not truly crazy. Tell me I’m sane in some way.
I’m not unhappy. I’m somewhere between a war yell and a laugh. Where’s the middle ground in that?
If I were to write a story of my life the way I wish it were, I would have two side-by-side stories. One for adventure, and one for love. And then I would have to choose one. And I don’t know if I could.
No. That’s not true. I could choose. I know which one I would choose, without a doubt. Even if the story didn’t end well. And I’d be scared to death, just like I am now. But I wouldn’t feel sorry I’d made the choice, no matter what happened. As a matter of fact, I’m not sorry about the choice I’ve made now.
The writing of the stories will be interesting.

This is so weird: the aftermath of a sunset, spiderwebs floating around because that’s what spiderwebs do at this time of year, little bugs getting caught in them – it all looks very pretty. I don’t like spiders or gnats, but set against the opposite side of the sunset, it all looks very cool. Almost ethereal. I got sick. I so rarely get sick. I hate it. It means I had to skip school AND TKD. Hate missing TKD. Especially since I’m testing soon. Two exams this week – holy crap. It’s been madness. My mom’s watching The Parent Trap, the new one with Lindsay Lohan. I like the old one better. It’s very cute. I think I’m going to get it, since the video version that we had is all worn out. I’ve had an acute urge to write stories lately, but haven’t had the time. If I get enough inspiration though, I’ll write, time or no time. Some of the spam comments that get posted on this blog are so funny. I really can’t describe them. Get a blog of your own and you’ll soon see. Now it’s all misty looking in the distance – almost dusk, but not quite. I wish I had more time to read. I miss it. I also wish I’d gone to TKD tonight. I would have been absolutely miserable, but at least I wouldn’t have felt like a wimp. I don’t like all the essays I have to write for history. And dude, I’m so sore. EVERYTHING hurts. Very happy though. I broke my toe open on a board yesterday and didn’t notice it was bleeding until I stopped practicing and saw little blood smears all over the floor. It was bleeding big time. I love my life right now. I’ve been watching LOTR whenever I’ve had the chance. I like Boromir the best. Yes, even better than Aragorn. He’s the absolute coolest. I like black grapes.