The black belt test is in a few hours. I’m not nervous right this second. I wonder if I will be later. Probably, at least for a little bit. Anyway, we’ll see.

I think I might be ready. For the black belt test. MY black belt test. Well, a lot of other people are testing too, but obviously I don’t have to be ready for their tests. Little scared though. THREE DAYS. GAAAHHHHH!!!!
Okay, I’m fine.
No, you’re not, Bridget. You’re too stressed out.
She’s got a reason to be! She’s gonna screw up so bad!!!
You two, shut UP!!!!
Ridiculous voices.
BTW, this is my 101st post. 😀

I’m not sure I was thinking coherently last night; not entirely, at least. At any rate, that was the longest post I’ve ever made in my life. Why can’t I write stories that fast? I love the Cynic Project.
Drat, now I’m beginning to feel like I did last night. The weather has something to do with it, I know. Wind always makes me feel like this.
I should shut up before I say something stupid.

–
I wish I were fearless. Fearless and courageous are two different things. Courageous is doing something even if you’re scared. Fearless is not being scared in the first place. Courageous? I hope so. Fearless? Not a chance. Being fearless would make everything a lot simpler. It might be unhappier in the end though, because you wouldn’t be scared of making mistakes. Of course, if you do just as many things while being courageous then you’re still screwed. You’re just tougher. As far as being respected, I’d rather be courageous. But I’m not sure I’m always that. Gaah, why am I thinking so much about things that don’t matter??? I’ll never be fearless. I don’t think anyone ever has been. And if they have, they were just stupid. Maybe I wouldn’t rather be fearless. But if I’m not fearless, I better make up for it somehow.
For example, at my black belt test. It’s in 5 days, 12 hours, and 11 minutes. Hey, they count down like that until Christmas, right? Anyway, I’m going to do well. I have to. I’m scared to death, and that’s exactly why I have to do it. Of course, I’m more scared of backing out. Pride and all that. But really, why do I always take the hard way out? Or the hard way in? Because I do both, you know. I think. And the worst part is, I think I’m proud of it. Like I’m proud of my stubbornness, or of my pride. AGGH! If I were Catholic, I’d be saying about a hundred “Hail Mary”s right now, and probably fasting for a week. I think Pride is one of their seven deadly sins. I don’t remember what all of them are: Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Pride, Wrath, Envy, and Greed. Let me see, how many am I guilty of? Not gluttony. Not sloth, I don’t think. Not really greed. Wrath? Hell yes. Envy? Even more so than wrath. Lust? How do you even define lust? Eh, I don’t know, but by my definition, no. And I believe I mentioned pride. Not vanity though. I don’t think I’m vain. I don’t know. I don’t know what I am.
Rather happy right now, despite the potential Hail Mary’s I would get should I become Catholic (which I won’t).
I should go finish up my math. Today is such a light week for homework. It’s so cool. I love it.
All the same, my black belt test is making me nervous. Everyone says I’ll do well. Even the teacher says he’s not worried about me. But still, I’m not sure. I’m not ready to get my black belt, I’m not ready to go to college, I’m not ready for anything. What am I doing where I am? Is anybody ever ready for this kind of thing? Or is it just me?
I like Hamlet. The movie, anyway. The one with Mel Gibson. (He’s a good actor) I haven’t read the book yet. I should. When I have time. Ha, like I don’t have time now. But I don’t have the book right now.
Saturday at the black belt workout, my assistant teacher said he felt sorry for the first college guy who tried to make a move on me, or something like that. That was funny. He’s an awesome guy. I’m glad he’ll be at my test.
Actually, if you think about it, I have “ideal conditions” for my test. It’s in my own do-jang. (That’s rare.) My best friend is going to be there, my family is going to be there, my teachers are both going to be there, and I might be ready. Can I reasonably ask for anything more? I don’t think so. Although if I had a little more time that would be nice.
Last night, I dreamed about a totally badass thunderstorm, and there were like four lightning streaks that hit all at once right next to my window, and I sat down on the floor and asked myself if I was alive. I wasn’t sure. You could see the wind blowing the clouds into all these ominous shapes, like mammatus (ever seen mammatus? It’s awesome.) Anyway, I wish I could see a storm like that, even though it was kind of scary. I wish that could be called a kind of fearless.
I really wish I could get into Middle-earth right now. Think about it. It would be so cool. I’d like to be a human, like I am now. Humans were the bravest, even if they weren’t the smartest. You know, I think every person thinks the type of person they are is the best kind to be. I think maybe they’re all a little proud of themselves, in a way. That might seem insensitive to say, especially to a person who hates themselves. But they wouldn’t keep hating themselves if they didn’t think it was the best thing to do. Otherwise they would change it, wouldn’t they? Really, in the end, everyone does what they think is best, even if it’s only best for themselves.
I hope I’m not doing only that. I hope I’m a good person. I hope I’m not screwing everything up. I hope for too many things.
Anyway, back to my other thought about Middle-earth. That last thought was getting to be depressing. I’d like to live like Aragorn. I’d like to die like Boromir. I don’t want to die soon, mind you. But if I have to die, I want to die bravely. He died braver than anyone else. I want to die fighting. It’s an odd thing I’ve got. I can’t help it.
I’m not quite satisfied with this. I need something different. I need adventure on an epic scale. I suppose you could call this madness, of a sort. Mad for adventure. Mad for love. Mad for comfort, and at the same time, mad for change, craziness, war. Mad for wildness. Just mad, maybe. I feel like I could take down a whole army right now.
Writing stories about other people isn’t good enough. I need to live a story. If I could write a story of my life the way I wish it was, I would already be fighting, fearless, saving the world.
There’s one problem. Being in love and wanting whatever it is that I want – if you can find a name for what I want, I need it – don’t go together. And I am one, and I want the other. And I can’t have both, because nothing like that ever lasts. There’s no middle ground, and I wouldn’t want it if I could have it. Everything about me is impossible. I need to do one impossible thing. Just one. I need both of those. If I do one impossible thing, can’t I do another? The need for two things at once is driving me crazy. I can’t straighten myself out. Tell me I’m not truly crazy. Tell me I’m sane in some way.
I’m not unhappy. I’m somewhere between a war yell and a laugh. Where’s the middle ground in that?
If I were to write a story of my life the way I wish it were, I would have two side-by-side stories. One for adventure, and one for love. And then I would have to choose one. And I don’t know if I could.
No. That’s not true. I could choose. I know which one I would choose, without a doubt. Even if the story didn’t end well. And I’d be scared to death, just like I am now. But I wouldn’t feel sorry I’d made the choice, no matter what happened. As a matter of fact, I’m not sorry about the choice I’ve made now.
The writing of the stories will be interesting.

So weird, the moon is full tonight and there’s a ton of little clouds. It looks like iridescent popcorn. It’s Friday night, and I’m cleaning house because all my homework is done until Monday – yes! I feel pretty good. I don’t know why. Who ever does? I’ve been thinking too much though – it doesn’t suit me. I wonder what the world would be like if I’d never existed. Would it be that much different? I was thinking about this because I heard something about It’s A Wonderful Life. Classic movie. I watch it every year when it comes on as a Christmas special. I love Christmas specials.
Huh, that’s weird. My dad just told me a weird fact – statistically, smart kids end up drinking more as adults than their “less intelligent peers”. I wonder if I’m smart. I think I am a little bit. Other people think I am, but I’m not quite so sure. I’m not dumb though. I know that much. I’ve been in school for a month now. Same opinion as when I started.
I feel so beat up. TKD has been exhausting lately. I’m going tomorrow too, for a short workout. I still love it though. I wonder it is that some people can hate it. I really don’t understand.
My siblings are watching Cheaper By The Dozen, and the song “I’m just a kid” is playing. I don’t know why, but I kind of like that song. Just the tune, I guess. But those bullies in there – I would have let them have it. I’ll be honest, sometimes I just itch for a fight. I want to take someone down. Just the excitement, I guess. I won’t do it though. Not without a good reason. I’m not going to say I wish someone would give me a good reason though, because they might give me too good of a reason.
I wish I lived in another world sometimes. Middle-earth would suit me just fine. I would carry a sword and hunt orcs and Uruk-hai.
I had the oddest dream last night. It was about fractions. 142/93 + something else that I can’t remember – 142/93. Now, in general, that would equal the number in the middle. But in my dream it didn’t. And everything in the world was wrapped around that fraction. I was going over to Kevin’s house? It involved that fraction set. I was doing dishes? Fractions again. All the great secrets of the universe were contained in that little set of fractions. It was weird.
Now, I have to finish cleaning the house.

I wonder sometimes about Rome and the gladiators, and about the people who watch them. I wonder how many best friends were forced to fight. I wonder how many refused. I wonder how many died. And I wonder how they could live with themselves afterwards.
I wonder if maybe, the people who watched – not all, but some – wanted a specific person to win, because they needed them to win. Maybe they needed, just for once, for the good guy to win. Sometimes, I just needed to believe in one thing, and when that fell apart, it almost killed me. Maybe they felt the same. Maybe that kind of thing happens all over the world. I wonder how many people die because something they believed in failed. I’m not really talking about religion, specifically. Just anything that someone needs to happen.
I wonder how many men became gladiators to pay off debts. I wonder how many wives went to the Colosseum, desperately waiting for the fight to end – with their husband as the victor. I wonder how many men actually thought about the lives they took, and wondered if they would be next.
I wonder how many died bravely, and how many begged for mercy.
I wonder what I would have done.

SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!! So incredibly happy. I don’t know, I’m just on a life-high. I’m just getting over being sick (thank goodness I never stay sick for long when I do get sick), and I don’t have any homework I have to take care of, and I’m hanging out with Kevin tomorrow, and I don’t know; I’m just happy. It’s the weirdest thing, last year I was so unhappy and miserable, and now I’m on top of the world. I love it. I’m almost ready for my black belt test too. (I told Kevin he’s just gonna watch me fail; he said no, he’ll watch me succeed. Kinda sweet of him, and I believe it now.) GOING CRAZY NOW!!! Oh dear, what do I do with all this? I can’t write; I write absolutely horrible stuff when I’m happy. I’m actually best – no matter what I’m writing – when I’m kind of neutral, or even sad. BUT THIS IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!! I love it. 🙂 😀

AP is closing. I can’t believe I didn’t post about it before, but it is. Anyway, I need to post my writing here before it’s all lost. Kinda wish it wasn’t closing; it’s been a part of life for more than a year now, and I never thought it would close.

This is so weird: the aftermath of a sunset, spiderwebs floating around because that’s what spiderwebs do at this time of year, little bugs getting caught in them – it all looks very pretty. I don’t like spiders or gnats, but set against the opposite side of the sunset, it all looks very cool. Almost ethereal. I got sick. I so rarely get sick. I hate it. It means I had to skip school AND TKD. Hate missing TKD. Especially since I’m testing soon. Two exams this week – holy crap. It’s been madness. My mom’s watching The Parent Trap, the new one with Lindsay Lohan. I like the old one better. It’s very cute. I think I’m going to get it, since the video version that we had is all worn out. I’ve had an acute urge to write stories lately, but haven’t had the time. If I get enough inspiration though, I’ll write, time or no time. Some of the spam comments that get posted on this blog are so funny. I really can’t describe them. Get a blog of your own and you’ll soon see. Now it’s all misty looking in the distance – almost dusk, but not quite. I wish I had more time to read. I miss it. I also wish I’d gone to TKD tonight. I would have been absolutely miserable, but at least I wouldn’t have felt like a wimp. I don’t like all the essays I have to write for history. And dude, I’m so sore. EVERYTHING hurts. Very happy though. I broke my toe open on a board yesterday and didn’t notice it was bleeding until I stopped practicing and saw little blood smears all over the floor. It was bleeding big time. I love my life right now. I’ve been watching LOTR whenever I’ve had the chance. I like Boromir the best. Yes, even better than Aragorn. He’s the absolute coolest. I like black grapes.

Math: Answer questions that no one really cares about.
English: Write what the teacher wants to hear.
History: Take historical facts that have been recounted hundreds of times before and somehow figure out how to tell them in an entirely new way.
I think history is the hardest.
Eh, I’m just glum. Stupid school.