I think I expect too much. I’m a perfectionist. Those who have seen my room would say otherwise. But really, I am. I just have other things to focus on.
Like homework, Bridget. Get started.
Anyway, *smacks other self on head* I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m a little too obsessed with perfection. This isn’t to say that things aren’t working out, because at the very least, they appear to be. I just wonder if I could handle it if they weren’t. I don’t want to find out. I’m not ready for that, and I don’t know if I ever will be. Maybe it’s not perfection I’m obsessed with. A couple of years ago, I was just focused on surviving, and I didn’t care about perfection. I just wanted the one person I trusted to be there for me. I wanted the few things I could count on to stay. Then we moved, and TKD was out. That was huge. I missed that so much. Then Jordan moved. At this point, the world had already turned upside down for me. It’s still upside down, you know. But it’s upside down in a good way. Nothing’s the same as it was back then. I’m almost a complete opposite. I didn’t realize that until just now, when I said it. But it’s true. I’m different. Most of my likes haven’t changed, but the rest of me has. The rest of my life has. I wonder how many times that’s going to happen.

And… it’s Thanksgiving! Or close, anyway. And I have next to no break. Technically, I do, because they gave me a week off, but they also gave me 4 papers and a math assignment to do, and up until this afternoon I was busy cleaning the house for guests. So… NO BREAK! Until Friday, that is. And maybe some time tomorrow so that I can eat dinner.
I really, really hate homework though. And I’m getting kind of fed up with Facebook. Also tired of talking to myself, and tired of hearing everyone else have fun. Tired of dreading the due date of all this crap. As soon as this assignment is done, I’m taking a break.

Sean wants to meet up when I’m in the area next! I’m so happy right now. I love this. I love being so happy I feel like I could scream. It’s almost killing me, because I don’t know what to do with all of it. But it’s incredible. Absolutely amazing. I’ve felt something like this for a while. I don’t know why, and I don’t even care. I’m amazingly happy. I feel incredibly powerful right now, like I could take down the world if it came at me. (Not going to tempt it to, however.) I want the world. I want to see it. I want to do everything. I WANT it.

Okay, so for the longest time (well, a month), I’ve been keeping the most exciting secret. Didn’t say it here, on Facebook, or AP. I only told three people. It was driving me nuts. Well, today, I told my mom that I’d found Sean. Sean’s my older half-brother. I haven’t seen him since I was two. I’ve been looking for him off and on since I was fourteen, and I found him about a month ago. She took it better than I thought she would in one way, and worse in another. I’m not sure where things are going to go from here, but… yeah.
On another subject (yeah, there is another) life seems different. Not just since today. It’s been like this for a while; I think since the tournament. Well, a little after it. Life seems more detailed, less boring. Old songs which I thought had lost their magic are enchanting again. Pictures fly through my head. Stories insinuate themselves into my brain. It’s all coming back.

Alright… so where do I begin? At the good part? That seems reasonable. Okay, so first, someone brought out the belt for my teacher, and presented it to him (4th Dan, Expert!) and I about burst smiling. Seriously, I thought I would start laughing from sheer joy. I don’t think anyone would understand this. Just me, maybe. Anyway, after that, the assistant teacher (who’s absolutely awesome, btw) got his, and the teacher’s son got his 2nd Dan, and through all this I was grinning from ear to ear because I was so proud of everybody else, and myself as well, I think, and then I got called up, and he tied the black belt on me, and I think all the laughter that was trying to get out through my mouth got out through my eyes instead. Almost. I didn’t quite let it. I wasn’t so caught up in the moment that I would do anything. (That one sentence, I just realized, was a horrible run-on. And I don’t care. Pssh.) That would have been ridiculously embarrassing, and way too girly, and I wouldn’t do it in front of everyone for anything. But still, I didn’t realize I did that sort of thing. What if I end up crying at my wedding? Lots of women do. How scary. I’ll have to be careful about that.
Anyway, it was incredible. And then Kevin called after I got back, and life was even more incredible. And I’m very happy right now. HAPPY! Do you understand? I’m happy. (BTW. when you think about it, ‘happy’ is such a funny word. Just try saying it over and over again.)
And BTW, I went to a huge bookstore and got three used books. I think I like used books better than old books.
I can’t believe how much things have changed. And yes, some of it sucked at first, but now… wow. So much is different. A year ago, I would have hoped for this, and imagined it, but never expected it. A year and a half ago I would have thought it was impossible. Two years ago I would have laughed in its face. Three years ago I wouldn’t even have acknowledged its existence. Now its here. And you know something? I think its going to get better.

I now know what it’s like to burst with pride. I now know what it’s like to cry for joy. (Never thought I’d do that.) Incredible, incredible day. I’ll try to elaborate tomorrow.

Wow. Just watched Sherlock Holmes. The guy is incredible. Or, I should say, the actor is incredible. But the overall effect… yeah.
I’m not quite sure what to do now that the test is over. Well, I suppose the obvious course of action is to prepare for the tournament this weekend. The excitement never stops, I’ll sleep when I’m dead, etc.
I’m multitasking right now. I always love doing that. It energizes me in the weirdest way.
Earlier I about collapsed on my bed, I was so tired. I just laid down for a minute and kind of stayed half-asleep for about ten minutes, then woke up when someone brought me a smoothie. More of a sorbet really. It was quite frozen. Very good. Strawberry.
Anyway, I’m highly awake now, and verging on hyper, but just at the point where I can get a ton of stuff done. Hence the multitasking. In addition to this, I’m doing homework, talking to friends, doing laundry, posting on a forum, and using my brain to it’s fullest extent. (Sherlock has that effect on me.)
I really love Taekwon-Do. Did you know that? It’s not just something that’s fun. I actually love it. I need it. I had to go two years without it once, and I don’t really think it’s a coincidence that those were pretty much the worst two years of my life. I plan to do it the rest of my life.
Speaking of the rest of my life, I wonder what I’ll do with it. For starters, I think I’ll have iced tea. Excuse me for a moment.
Moments later, I am back! With no iced tea. And my energy is going down. Waaaay down. I actually wrote today, for the first time in a while. A whole paragraph. I’m impressed with myself. The dryer finally stopped. About time.

I PASSED!!!