Mood changes are strange. They’re brought on by strange things. They are experienced by strange people. And thought of by profound people. Which means that I am profound, as I appear to be thinking of them.
By the way, mood changes also make people tired. At least they make me tired. If I were to go through a mood change, that would make me tired. BUT, if I were tired, it would not necessarily mean that I had gone through a mood change.
Even if I did.

Such madness in this place. Why did I say that? I don’t know. It’s actually relatively normal here. (Which, BTW, is a little abnormal in itself.) I just felt like saying there was madness in this place. I’m exhausted. If I start rambling, I’m not responsible for anything I say.
I’ve discovered that I like to talk about myself. A lot.
Well, duh. Why else would you have started this blog?
To share my brilliant thoughts with the world, of course.
Brilliant thoughts?
Yes.
All your brilliant thoughts come from me.
Yeah, you wish. Go away, will you? I was talking.
About yourself.
Did I mention to you that I got on the president’s list for my academic acheivements? I did.
And did I ever tell you I once named both my feet? I don’t believe so.

HAHA!!! I am a GENIUS! I am MAD! I am a MAD GENIUS! Which is even better (and more profitable, as you would see if you were such a thing) than being either one of those things by themselves.
It’s not normal for me to be as happy as I am. Not even normal for me. (Even though I am a very abnormal person. A MAD GENIUS, as I believe I specified before.) ( I like capitalizing MAD GENIUS. Do you like capitalizing MAD GENIUS?) Being this happy, while not natural for a human being, even this human being, is a GOOD thing.
I forgot why I was such a MAD GENIUS.

I feel ridiculous. Why? Because I feel like feeling ridiculous. Perhaps I am a ridiculous person for feeling such, but I feel that a ridiculous feeling is the best feeling for a ridiculous person to have.
Moving on…
I’m not sure if it’s actually possible to write my portfolio and send it in on Monday, while at the same time study for the math retake I have on Monday, then study for the history final on Wednesday and the math final on Thursday. (For english, my final is just a grammar quiz, and I don’t really need to study for that.) At least I get Tuesday for studying. But tomorrow and Monday will be hell.
I think I’m going skating tonight. I hope so. It’s been ages. I kind of miss it. I fall all the time, but I don’t get hurt easily, and it’s worth being able to move like that.
Gaah! I’m going crazy! I like the word bubbles. Bubbles bubbles bubbles. It’s such a funny word to say.
I’m okay. Mostly.
BUBBLES!
Okay, now I’m all okay.
I wonder what sort of friend I am. I think sometimes I really suck at it. I wish I could get better, but I don’t know what exactly I do wrong. Keep in mind, I haven’t heard any comments about me being a good or bad friend, so I don’t exactly have a lot of help in this area. It’s possible I do nothing wrong (hysterical laughter) and it’s possible I do everything wrong. Never mind. I’ll shut up now. I’m making a fool of myself. And it’s almost time to go skating anyway.

Wow. Just watched Sherlock Holmes. The guy is incredible. Or, I should say, the actor is incredible. But the overall effect… yeah.
I’m not quite sure what to do now that the test is over. Well, I suppose the obvious course of action is to prepare for the tournament this weekend. The excitement never stops, I’ll sleep when I’m dead, etc.
I’m multitasking right now. I always love doing that. It energizes me in the weirdest way.
Earlier I about collapsed on my bed, I was so tired. I just laid down for a minute and kind of stayed half-asleep for about ten minutes, then woke up when someone brought me a smoothie. More of a sorbet really. It was quite frozen. Very good. Strawberry.
Anyway, I’m highly awake now, and verging on hyper, but just at the point where I can get a ton of stuff done. Hence the multitasking. In addition to this, I’m doing homework, talking to friends, doing laundry, posting on a forum, and using my brain to it’s fullest extent. (Sherlock has that effect on me.)
I really love Taekwon-Do. Did you know that? It’s not just something that’s fun. I actually love it. I need it. I had to go two years without it once, and I don’t really think it’s a coincidence that those were pretty much the worst two years of my life. I plan to do it the rest of my life.
Speaking of the rest of my life, I wonder what I’ll do with it. For starters, I think I’ll have iced tea. Excuse me for a moment.
Moments later, I am back! With no iced tea. And my energy is going down. Waaaay down. I actually wrote today, for the first time in a while. A whole paragraph. I’m impressed with myself. The dryer finally stopped. About time.

–
I wish I were fearless. Fearless and courageous are two different things. Courageous is doing something even if you’re scared. Fearless is not being scared in the first place. Courageous? I hope so. Fearless? Not a chance. Being fearless would make everything a lot simpler. It might be unhappier in the end though, because you wouldn’t be scared of making mistakes. Of course, if you do just as many things while being courageous then you’re still screwed. You’re just tougher. As far as being respected, I’d rather be courageous. But I’m not sure I’m always that. Gaah, why am I thinking so much about things that don’t matter??? I’ll never be fearless. I don’t think anyone ever has been. And if they have, they were just stupid. Maybe I wouldn’t rather be fearless. But if I’m not fearless, I better make up for it somehow.
For example, at my black belt test. It’s in 5 days, 12 hours, and 11 minutes. Hey, they count down like that until Christmas, right? Anyway, I’m going to do well. I have to. I’m scared to death, and that’s exactly why I have to do it. Of course, I’m more scared of backing out. Pride and all that. But really, why do I always take the hard way out? Or the hard way in? Because I do both, you know. I think. And the worst part is, I think I’m proud of it. Like I’m proud of my stubbornness, or of my pride. AGGH! If I were Catholic, I’d be saying about a hundred “Hail Mary”s right now, and probably fasting for a week. I think Pride is one of their seven deadly sins. I don’t remember what all of them are: Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Pride, Wrath, Envy, and Greed. Let me see, how many am I guilty of? Not gluttony. Not sloth, I don’t think. Not really greed. Wrath? Hell yes. Envy? Even more so than wrath. Lust? How do you even define lust? Eh, I don’t know, but by my definition, no. And I believe I mentioned pride. Not vanity though. I don’t think I’m vain. I don’t know. I don’t know what I am.
Rather happy right now, despite the potential Hail Mary’s I would get should I become Catholic (which I won’t).
I should go finish up my math. Today is such a light week for homework. It’s so cool. I love it.
All the same, my black belt test is making me nervous. Everyone says I’ll do well. Even the teacher says he’s not worried about me. But still, I’m not sure. I’m not ready to get my black belt, I’m not ready to go to college, I’m not ready for anything. What am I doing where I am? Is anybody ever ready for this kind of thing? Or is it just me?
I like Hamlet. The movie, anyway. The one with Mel Gibson. (He’s a good actor) I haven’t read the book yet. I should. When I have time. Ha, like I don’t have time now. But I don’t have the book right now.
Saturday at the black belt workout, my assistant teacher said he felt sorry for the first college guy who tried to make a move on me, or something like that. That was funny. He’s an awesome guy. I’m glad he’ll be at my test.
Actually, if you think about it, I have “ideal conditions” for my test. It’s in my own do-jang. (That’s rare.) My best friend is going to be there, my family is going to be there, my teachers are both going to be there, and I might be ready. Can I reasonably ask for anything more? I don’t think so. Although if I had a little more time that would be nice.
Last night, I dreamed about a totally badass thunderstorm, and there were like four lightning streaks that hit all at once right next to my window, and I sat down on the floor and asked myself if I was alive. I wasn’t sure. You could see the wind blowing the clouds into all these ominous shapes, like mammatus (ever seen mammatus? It’s awesome.) Anyway, I wish I could see a storm like that, even though it was kind of scary. I wish that could be called a kind of fearless.
I really wish I could get into Middle-earth right now. Think about it. It would be so cool. I’d like to be a human, like I am now. Humans were the bravest, even if they weren’t the smartest. You know, I think every person thinks the type of person they are is the best kind to be. I think maybe they’re all a little proud of themselves, in a way. That might seem insensitive to say, especially to a person who hates themselves. But they wouldn’t keep hating themselves if they didn’t think it was the best thing to do. Otherwise they would change it, wouldn’t they? Really, in the end, everyone does what they think is best, even if it’s only best for themselves.
I hope I’m not doing only that. I hope I’m a good person. I hope I’m not screwing everything up. I hope for too many things.
Anyway, back to my other thought about Middle-earth. That last thought was getting to be depressing. I’d like to live like Aragorn. I’d like to die like Boromir. I don’t want to die soon, mind you. But if I have to die, I want to die bravely. He died braver than anyone else. I want to die fighting. It’s an odd thing I’ve got. I can’t help it.
I’m not quite satisfied with this. I need something different. I need adventure on an epic scale. I suppose you could call this madness, of a sort. Mad for adventure. Mad for love. Mad for comfort, and at the same time, mad for change, craziness, war. Mad for wildness. Just mad, maybe. I feel like I could take down a whole army right now.
Writing stories about other people isn’t good enough. I need to live a story. If I could write a story of my life the way I wish it was, I would already be fighting, fearless, saving the world.
There’s one problem. Being in love and wanting whatever it is that I want – if you can find a name for what I want, I need it – don’t go together. And I am one, and I want the other. And I can’t have both, because nothing like that ever lasts. There’s no middle ground, and I wouldn’t want it if I could have it. Everything about me is impossible. I need to do one impossible thing. Just one. I need both of those. If I do one impossible thing, can’t I do another? The need for two things at once is driving me crazy. I can’t straighten myself out. Tell me I’m not truly crazy. Tell me I’m sane in some way.
I’m not unhappy. I’m somewhere between a war yell and a laugh. Where’s the middle ground in that?
If I were to write a story of my life the way I wish it were, I would have two side-by-side stories. One for adventure, and one for love. And then I would have to choose one. And I don’t know if I could.
No. That’s not true. I could choose. I know which one I would choose, without a doubt. Even if the story didn’t end well. And I’d be scared to death, just like I am now. But I wouldn’t feel sorry I’d made the choice, no matter what happened. As a matter of fact, I’m not sorry about the choice I’ve made now.
The writing of the stories will be interesting.

So weird, the moon is full tonight and there’s a ton of little clouds. It looks like iridescent popcorn. It’s Friday night, and I’m cleaning house because all my homework is done until Monday – yes! I feel pretty good. I don’t know why. Who ever does? I’ve been thinking too much though – it doesn’t suit me. I wonder what the world would be like if I’d never existed. Would it be that much different? I was thinking about this because I heard something about It’s A Wonderful Life. Classic movie. I watch it every year when it comes on as a Christmas special. I love Christmas specials.
Huh, that’s weird. My dad just told me a weird fact – statistically, smart kids end up drinking more as adults than their “less intelligent peers”. I wonder if I’m smart. I think I am a little bit. Other people think I am, but I’m not quite so sure. I’m not dumb though. I know that much. I’ve been in school for a month now. Same opinion as when I started.
I feel so beat up. TKD has been exhausting lately. I’m going tomorrow too, for a short workout. I still love it though. I wonder it is that some people can hate it. I really don’t understand.
My siblings are watching Cheaper By The Dozen, and the song “I’m just a kid” is playing. I don’t know why, but I kind of like that song. Just the tune, I guess. But those bullies in there – I would have let them have it. I’ll be honest, sometimes I just itch for a fight. I want to take someone down. Just the excitement, I guess. I won’t do it though. Not without a good reason. I’m not going to say I wish someone would give me a good reason though, because they might give me too good of a reason.
I wish I lived in another world sometimes. Middle-earth would suit me just fine. I would carry a sword and hunt orcs and Uruk-hai.
I had the oddest dream last night. It was about fractions. 142/93 + something else that I can’t remember – 142/93. Now, in general, that would equal the number in the middle. But in my dream it didn’t. And everything in the world was wrapped around that fraction. I was going over to Kevin’s house? It involved that fraction set. I was doing dishes? Fractions again. All the great secrets of the universe were contained in that little set of fractions. It was weird.
Now, I have to finish cleaning the house.

This is so weird: the aftermath of a sunset, spiderwebs floating around because that’s what spiderwebs do at this time of year, little bugs getting caught in them – it all looks very pretty. I don’t like spiders or gnats, but set against the opposite side of the sunset, it all looks very cool. Almost ethereal. I got sick. I so rarely get sick. I hate it. It means I had to skip school AND TKD. Hate missing TKD. Especially since I’m testing soon. Two exams this week – holy crap. It’s been madness. My mom’s watching The Parent Trap, the new one with Lindsay Lohan. I like the old one better. It’s very cute. I think I’m going to get it, since the video version that we had is all worn out. I’ve had an acute urge to write stories lately, but haven’t had the time. If I get enough inspiration though, I’ll write, time or no time. Some of the spam comments that get posted on this blog are so funny. I really can’t describe them. Get a blog of your own and you’ll soon see. Now it’s all misty looking in the distance – almost dusk, but not quite. I wish I had more time to read. I miss it. I also wish I’d gone to TKD tonight. I would have been absolutely miserable, but at least I wouldn’t have felt like a wimp. I don’t like all the essays I have to write for history. And dude, I’m so sore. EVERYTHING hurts. Very happy though. I broke my toe open on a board yesterday and didn’t notice it was bleeding until I stopped practicing and saw little blood smears all over the floor. It was bleeding big time. I love my life right now. I’ve been watching LOTR whenever I’ve had the chance. I like Boromir the best. Yes, even better than Aragorn. He’s the absolute coolest. I like black grapes.

There are so many ways to eat Cheetos. But they don’t matter right now, because I have to go to the bathroom. And I’m going to Kevin’s later, and I have to clean the cat’s room. So Cheetos pale in comparison, wouldn’t you say? Quite. I have all my books for all my classes at college, and I can’t wait for school to start. A little nervous… and I don’t like it. I’m not usually nervous. But you must understand – this is my first EVER day of school IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I’ve never done school shopping, or picked out an outfit, or anything and I’m SO EXCITED!!! And they have a library! And I’m happy!!!! And now I have to go clean the cat’s room.

Happy I am now, this has been a good day. First, I cleaned my room, which hasn’t happened (not thoroughly anyway) since we first moved here years and years ago. It’s kind of nice having a clean room. It’s kind of weird having a clean room. (And dude, I found one of my old favorite t-shirts under my bed and it still fits!) After that, I went to TKD and maybe I didn’t do perfectly, but I didn’t do too bad and what’s really cool is that I got better. AND THEN we went to the store and got plums and candy corn. And then I talked on the phone with my best friend. And I’m going over to his house this weekend. Really, how much cooler can it get?