Just Thinking…
Just another WordPress weblog

Wow… Hey. Hey me. How’s it going? You’re old. You know, you’re also not the person that I thought you would be. Yeah, there are a lot of cool things about you, but doesn’t it occur to you that you’re a little empty? Anyway. I know you’re working on it. Teddy was certainly a step in the right direction. So was going to back to school.

I do feel kind of empty sometimes. I feel like I can’t stop running after things. I can’t keep up. There’s so much. I think I’m happy. It’s hard to tell when I don’t slow down.


The insanity of my decision to move is sinking in more every day. Especially today. I am hesitant to say I am sorry I came. I’m glad I’m here with Teddy.
But, my God, the thought processes of these people.


I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel rather alone here. I suppose I am making friends. But I don’t belong here. I can’t put my finger on what’s wrong, but something is. I want to go home. I can’t tell Teddy that – it will hurt and/or scare him. I can’t tell my friends that because they will just say “Then come HOME!” They won’t understand what keeps me here. I don’t understand what keeps me here. I just don’t think I can leave him here to face this by himself. Whether I’m right about him or not, I don’t know that I’m capable of hurting someone like that.
At least I hope to God I’m not.
But I’m scared, and lonely, and I sometimes just want to run. I shouldn’t be feeling that way. Stupid brain.

I don’t fit in here. I don’t think anyone understands me. Not even my fiance.
Do you remember Teddy? We’re engaged now, as of about a month ago. I just moved halfway across the country to live with him and his family (I cannot stress how temporary this living situation is) and now I’m trying to set up new routines. But I’m lonely. I miss my friends. Nobody here understands the importance of coffee. It’s weird that I go running. I’m too goody-two-shoes for his brother and too bad-girl for his mom. And he seems different. I fell in love with him when he was motivated. He did things. He was in school and trying hard; he went mountain-climbing; he was heading somewhere. Now he’s lazy. No way around it. And I love him, but it drives me crazy.

Ok, so there was this potato named Bob. Bob was a unique potato, unlike his friends his skin didn’t peel as well as the others. And his classmates made fun of him all the time for it. He would always go home crying and wish that he could be like the others. One day, instead of going home he just kept walking. He didn’t know where he was going but he wanted something else in life. He wanted to be liked. He continued past his neighborhood and into the city. It was scary with all the lights and commotion, but he didn’t care.
He kept on, as if he were searching for something. The buildings towered over him very much like his classmates who would laugh and point at him for being different. He ran into a small dwelling at the edge of the city. It was dark and cold. There was another potato there, he smelled awful. He handed Bob a bag. “Here take this, you will feel a lot better about yourself.” So he did, he didn’t care what he had to do, he just wanted to be liked. So he took the drugs, and from then on he was a Baked Potato.

I wish I could carry a camera all the time. I had a digital but for some reason it just stopped working and even my dad can’t fix it. There’s a bunch of colored daisies that have dried on the shelf of the Atlas study row. A heart that someone scraped on the desk with some kind of grime. Just a bunch of untold stories. Speaking of which…
I love stories. Some science fiction. A little fantasy. An occasional dose of the real world. But more than anything else, I love stories about what could have happened – stories of “if only” and “maybe”. Stories with a little uncertainty and a little unhappiness.
I miss writing so much. I’ve run out of time and inspiration. Inspiration is the key thing though – if I have enough of that, I write until my fingers ache.
It’s ridiculous to think about writing as a career though.
I still can’t help it.


So, my boyfriend is meeting with my dad right now. I feel like a Jane Austen girl, waiting for her suitor to emerge from her father’s study, breathless with hope. He’s a little nervous. Teddy, I mean. I don’t know exactly how my dad feels. I really need to do something else right now.


I can’t wait for school!!!! Apparently people think I’m straitjacket crazy. In fact, even Teddy admits that while I am perfectly mentally stable, I occasionally give off the impression of true insanity. Hmm. But still!!! School is awesome! And I’m in engineering again (5th? 6th major change? Not quite sure) and I’m ridiculously excited about it.
And quite frankly, I miss seeing Teddy all the time. I mean, we spent most of every day together since (and two weeks before) we started dating. And we had the best times. I never laughed so hard as when I was with him. He kept me going when I was studying and completely exhausted with triple integrals. And now I see him once every couple of weeks. I guess I’m lucky to see him that much. Still, I can’t wait for everything to get back to normal. And man, I miss my school friends too!

I feel like I owe the world a post. I’m too ridiculously happy not to. I may have mentioned I was dating somebody. Well, guess what – he is the pretty much the most amazing guy… EVER. Grrrrr. I don’t even want to talk about it. Goodness knows I think about him enough; best if those thoughts don’t get transferred to paper. Or internet.
So I guess I could talk about everything else.
Or I could talk about him.
Or not. ‘Cause, you know, I might say something dumb.
Screw it.
He’s amazing. He’s all I’ve been thinking about this past month. The walks to the park. And the airfield. The time we first kissed, and I said “Took you long enough” and he laughed. The way his face changes when he sees me. I swear, I can’t get rid of that stupid grin on my face, and neither can he. We like our stupid grins.
All I listen to now are love songs – most of them country, because he’s been showing those to me and they’re wonderful. Dang it, he’s wonderful. He walks me to at least one class each day, and we always race to the door to try to open it first. He tries to, but I beat him sometimes. 😀
I am now going to shut up. I hope you enjoyed this episode of rambling.


So, remember this? Well, tonight, I used the men’s bathroom. Yeah. Um. I don’t really have a lot of words for that.

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